Beautiful Terror.

As much as I want to expand, and grok, and grow, I’m terrified, too. Facing terror is something I have worked a lot with, and understanding ego death, the death of the identity, the absolute surrender to pain, to death, to utter transformation. Spiritual warriorship. The release of the need to know, to prove, to understand with the intellect, to rationalize, to explain. The willingness to release aspects of the self that no longer serve, and the courage to walk ahead in the face of the great unknown. And the terror is always there. But so is there an incredible beauty and freedom, freedom that makes me split open with wondrous joy and tears that flow unending at the marvel of it. The paradox of beautiful terror and this freeing release of identity and limitation is something that cannot be explained, but only understood through direct experience. The experience of flying through the stars on the wings of an eagle so large it defies even myth, whose wings sing the song of the universe, like the muffled sound of the pulse through human veins. Or submerging into the earth, buried by a massive and poisonous creature that guides me into the depths of the darkest dark, revealing to me true sight, unadulterated vision, and suffocating on dirt until the mystery of all things ending is implanted within the soul like a tiny seed ready to begin growing. Make no mistake, the terror is there. But so is there a cold beauty in the slow Time beyond time, the frozen state of the soul, the unmaking that reshapes one into newness, into wholeness. The beauty and the terror are married partners in this interesting dance. The freeing sense of decay, the splitting pain of love that opens the heart so large it ceases to have borders. The calling to the Unseen powers that respond when called humbly, with respect, with grace and courage. When called, when honored, these amazing realities respond. This is the Knowing, the ride upon Terrible Horse, this is where myth comes alive. And the beautiful terror, it is always there.

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