I am changing my focus for the summer. The cosmic woo is giving me clear signs that it is time to turn inwards, apply my emotional senses to past journeys in order to actually try to understand the lessons given, and how to apply those lessons into my life. I have been reviewing my journals of journeys, tarot, rune and other readings to look back on the imagery and feelings. It has been very interesting to look back. Right now, however, I am going to resist the urge to share things from an intellectual point of view, and share rather some of what I have experienced through poetry. I wrote this shortly after having several (maybe many) journeys into the realm of the goddess of the icy north, some of which I have already written about here.
Child of the North
I am the Ice Weaver
Burrowing in cold snow and caves
Swimming in dark waters
Quiet and still, my heart joins with Great Lady Reindeer
A heart that is open can never close
My heart breaks open, feels and heals all wounds
My heart bleeds love
Protected by fierce love
By antlers and green silk
The Ice Weaver wanders the hills covered in snow
She sings to the North as her heart bleeds the blood of the ancestors
She swims in the river of blood
She dips cold toes into doe-eyed, moonlit lakes
She glides across them when they freeze
She rides her steed into unchartered lands
She slides down stone water slides into the mist and ice and flames of the Dark World
She breathes life into dead beauty
She heals and enlivens.
My life is changing drastically, and I am trying to keep up. Even though in some respects it feels much the same, my inner life is rapidly moving into new directions. I am a little afraid of these changes, and am trying not to be fatalistic about it, rather trying to understand that my will is helping to create the path that unfolds before me. I am beginning to understand that the intellectual realm, while it is a learning grounds for me right now, it also cannot be the place where my spirituality stems from. All of the lessons I have been learning are showing me about the heart. And I still feel like I have zero capability to express myself with spoken words….it’s been a hard time. We are such a verbal society. There are times I have contemplated going away for a “silent retreat” so that I may simply be with my own thoughts, having no pressure to speak. I still dislike who I am when I socialize, when I am at work or with friends. I speak nervously still, and I need to reign in my speech. And yet, this is how we share, learn and grow in today’s society. I am not sure how to manage this.
I am having some dramatic physical changes, too. These are very hard to deal with right now. Cronehood comes with its unique set of challenges, and I am weary of them. And it is not just that but many other things. I have been struck lately with a quiet sense of doom, and as much as I try to understand these things from a spiritual, or more accurately, a shamanic, standpoint, they still instill the mortal fear that we all feel of impending endings. I am afraid I will not get done what I want to achieve in this life. Further, I scarcely even know what I want to achieve in this life, but I know it is not sitting at a desk in an office where I feel useless. I am having the same work angst that I have always had, and I know not where to start. What are my gifts? What are my skills to take into a different line of work? I try to just find happiness and satisfaction in the small joys in my life, and be thankful for the security that I do have at the moment. Still, my wild heart yearns to be feral, not stuck up in a cage.