(I started this post back in May!) I was on my morning walk the other day, listening to Sainkho Namtchylak’s “Dance of Eagle” and I could feel the power within rise up. There is a deep well inside that I have only begun to understand. Within that well is an immense and terrifying power that contains me within it but that I also govern. It is my element. It is both divine and deep soul, it is the whole and the dark of the moon, it is the webs that weave all of the universe and me as part of that web and me as the central point within my own part of this enormous, mysterious maze of cosmic thread. This sacred power comes from a divine place that exists somehow Elsewhere, and also from the deepest seed of flame in my very being. This flame can be strengthened and diminished at will. It is a power that rises so quickly that sometimes I feel it will tear me apart, but it also makes me feel massive and omnipotent. Kelly-Ann sensed this when she journeyed into my shadowscape, and she described it as an intense force within me that rises like a tide, which I then suppress as it reaches its crest because I have been afraid to accept this power, as belonging to me, as being the source within that I may summon at any time and utilize. Since her reading, I’ve been letting this feeling more into my sphere of awareness, suppressing it less out of fear but rather gently letting it subside when I need to return to everyday tasks. I’m starting to understand this force, as I’ve been experimenting with letting it reach its height and carry me. It is, I believe, the power that has unlimited potential for creation, and that is why I quell it. I have experienced this through staving, but most often, it is when I am engaged in meditative walking in the sunlight. It seems to take me to the heights of the clouds, with breathtaking views of potentiality, and I resist letting it take me to the depths of space or into the limitless. The counterpart of this force is that of the rage I’ve blogged about, which feels very similar to this, but in a destructive rather than creative way. It is through these two states that I can start to understand the polarities within my human self. My early life was spent a good deal of the time in the destructive state, and I think I am now entering my creative phase. I think only of tearing down barriers to my creative impulses, not tearing down everything in sight as I used to, identifying always with the Tazmanian Devil as a youth. Now I seek to build, to generate, to reinforce, to express my creativity in ways that help me to gain. This is huge for me, and I still fear it. Kelly-Ann also mentioned that my psyche is filled with blocks in regards to my resistance to pride and confidence of my skills or talents, that she sensed I was taught to “not shout about it”, and that I was taught that work of this sort was not acceptable, was selfish and worthless. She is very right, and this conditioning (among others) was and is very ingrained in my mind and habits. These are things I need to tear apart in order to rebuild. It is like quitting smoking; just a bitch of a habit to break. But on the other side is a freedom from addiction and unhealthy patterns.