I have discovered something that is rather alarming, considering my history. I’ve noticed it for some weeks, but tonight it struck me that I can no longer ignore it. I will be making an appointment promptly with my doc tomorrow, but for tonight….tonight will be hard to sleep. I was suddenly gripped with fear, a fear both known and unknown. I know well what it’s like to sit and wait and wonder and worry. I know the terror of getting prepped for surgery that may wake to find another life waiting swathed in dark, hooded cloaks bearing giant scythe, faceless and terrifying, pattering close behind. i pondered my mortality long and hard the last few brushes with the Other. I also know the gratitude, the immense relief, and the blessed gift of having my life handed back to me, all the better for knowing, truly knowing, how precious a gift life is.
Now, as I tried reading to keep my mind occupied, I was overcome with a thunderclap with visions from recent meditations or dreams. I hesitate to utter this, because I’m superstitious about it, but this blog is for me to sort this stuff out. It’s a tool for personal growth, and I find it difficult bearing these thoughts always to myself, always feeling very alone with it comes to my spiritual self as a solitary. My meditations and dreams have brought me some interesting characters, most whom I had never even heard of before. The first: whom I understand to be the archangel Gabriel came to me in a meditation specifically designed to find a personal spirit guide. i haven’t had many dealings with him, but I do call upon him in my rituals and meditations, using his name or a symbol I was given in another meditation. He is, among other things, a psychopomp, that is, an escort to the realm of the dead. So, that’s both a great relief and not, considering other, more scary psychopomps, but also that I hope I’m not next in line for need of one. Then, I had a vision (the weird, lucid-while-awake-moving-picture type) of Hel (aka Hela) of the Norse mythos. She is most well-known as one of the “children of Loki”, which is probably symbolic for ‘spawn of chaos energy’ or ‘unmaking’ or ‘destructive force’ (which makes sense for a goddess of death) and guardian of the realm of the dead, for those who have died of natural causes. It is not believed to be a place of torment, but it’s also no place of eternal joy and sunshine, as I understand it. She is, herself, quite terrifying to behold, as half of her face is beauty and flesh, the other half is rotten flesh and bones. As I understand it, it is unwise to flinch in her presence. Of course, I think that is true of any single spirit, deity or entity. Your fear, and how you master it or don’t, says a good deal to those with unknowable power. Then, another time I awoke from a dream with a Welsh name in my head. I wrote it out not sure I’d spelled it correctly, then looked it up later. It was Annwn. The Welsh realm of the dead, which IS a place of great joy. And somewhere in there I dreamed another name I’d never heard of: Maximon. I assumed I’d gotten it wrong, thinking it must be Maximillon or some such name, but no. I finally found information on a spirit (turned saint) Maximon, pronounced “mash-ee-mon”, whom according to LuckyMojo.com is the the man in black at the crossroads, an “opener of the way”, a cthonic (Underworld) male sexual power. He is supposedly only venerated once per year on his holy day as it is thought his sexual energy too dangerous to call out more often than that. The way I understand crossroads work is that it is a liminal space, a magical vortex, or “axis mundi” (the entrance to the World Tree), where a human can call upon the “opener of the way” (a spirit whose persona varies from tradition to tradition) to allow entry to other realms. (I could go on and on here, but basically you can either call spirits of other realms into this one by ‘casting circle’, or you can open the ‘door’ into Other and visit any realm yourself. I would undoubtedly prefer to visit the Other rather than bring it here into my bedroom, but there are risks to doing either and you must know what you’re doing before attempting this.)
So, that’s all sort of floating around in my scared mind right now. Although, just because spirits from the Underworld are visiting my psyche doesn’t necessary mean physical death. It’s a place where all of our DNA, our ancestors, come from and go back to. It is a place where lessons come from to us from those who walked Earth previously and will again, in some other form. It can teach us about our inner Mysteries, our purpose, our path. But….it can also mean physical death. It can mean that we must return to the bosom of that whence we came in order to evolve into some new kind of spirit. All transformation is power, and it all has purpose. All this reading, all this questioning, all this deep thinky thought about mortality…I was hoping it would prove to make me more courageous when facing down the dark times. Instead, I was gripped with that same fear, that same unbelievable passion to fight for life, to cling desperately to this mortal coil with every ounce of tenacity I can muster. I am not ready to go, but I’m also quite scared of living life with disease. I am doing all the healing energy thoughts that I can, thinking my cells healthy.