Changing

It’s hard to deal with what I’m experiencing lately, this phase that I expect is some part of the “change”, some piece of the puzzle of cronehood setting itself in place for a future of stability. Will there be stability? Is there ever? I suppose I know the answer to that. Things have been difficult. I feel like I’m not adjusting to change very well, or at least, to the rapidly changing plans that seem to dominate my life lately. My moods are enigmatic and quick to turn. I’ve had little urge to write, and when I do sit down to do it, my racing mind seems to cease into a blank, emotionless silence. I feel as if I don’t know the person inside me anymore. That I am changing.

A number of nights ago, I’d used my dream oil and requested that I dream of my Matron and Patron. I could not recall the dreams from that night, but over the next few nights, my dream recall and the vividness of them increased. My dreams become more vivid and important around ovulation, and I make note also that it is a new moon. The waxing of the moon corresponds to the waxing walls of my uterus. This symbolism is extremely important in women’s mysteries, and the link to my dreams is not lost on me. I may use my dream oil again tonight and repeat my request to be visited by my Matron and Patron.

I had a strange dream two nights ago where I was being initiated into The Mysteries. I was surrounded in a great circle by people familiar and unfamiliar to me, and the person leading the ritual was my skating coach. There were many details I can’t recall now, but there was a great, round pool in the room in which we all stood. Someone was explaining that I would have to stand naked at some point in the initiation, and I was telling them I would refuse. They explained to me that the reason for it is to be completely vulnerable and bare before the gods, and the courage is in that very act, facing it and conquering it. I was still shaking my head, not able to face it. A woman I did not recognize brought me outdoors for a break to think over the ritual and the commitment, the bond, I would be making between myself and the divine powers. As we sat on the grass, I found I was lying exactly in the position I was while asleep in the mortal world, as if I became lucid at that moment. Suddenly, a Great Horned Owl flew up and landed on my back. I was surprised and excited, and I recall trying to communicate with it. Just I twisted my head behind me (much as an owl does), I could feel its talons flexing into my flesh. I suddenly thought that if I moved, the owl’s talons would pierce my organs and I would bleed to death. Either me or the woman shooed it carefully away, and it was replaced by a very small crow-like bird that was black, white and red. Suddenly there were many of these birds all around me. Then I woke up.

I consider this an important dream. It’s interesting to me that I did not complete the initiation, and my refusal to stand naked in front of the group and the gods does not surprise me. I also find the presence of the birds very significant. Almost as if the Great Horned Owl were the representation of the gods, the awesome power and responsibility in handling the situation with great care, lest be torn apart (a metaphor for being driven mad, or preventing myself from being united with the powers of the Divine). The crows, however…I’m not sure. They were crows in shape and sound, but not in color. As they were not strictly crows, but rather birds seeming to be made of dark, light and blood perhaps? A need on my part to face this relationship. Obviously, any animal in dreams demands investigation, as do any names given. I also believe that colors can signify important concepts. The pool of water is also significant, and I recall vague details about it, looking in it or about to climb into it, seeing something in it? I’m not sure, but I wish I could recall these details. Any reflective surface is a doorway into The Other, so I’ve read again and again, and when one is looking in, there are Others looking out. Or as I like to think of it, like a peephole in which both eyes can see each other. I’ve always found this folklore fascinating, like diving into the abyss of the Unknowable. I have to point out, however, that despite my discomfiture in baring my very intimate self (both inner and outer) to the group, they were VERY supportive and kind. That was comforting, and worth noting. Throughout the dream, it also felt as if I always had a choice. I was in control. That is also a very significant point.

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