Well, I’ve missed celebrating the past two heathen holidays. I’ve not even lit a candle. And this weekend is Beltaine, and though the weekend isn’t over, I feel again like there’s a wet blanket over the celebratory vibe of the day. Ugh. I’ve been mulling over some of why I think this is, and it seems like it may be a deep issue I’ve got to unfold and deal with. It’s wrapped up in my ideas of family, tradition, and worth. I’ve blogged my pants off about my twisted and unrequited need for tradition growing up in a family without but a bare few. I’ve also blogged before about the need for me to just take my new holidays and MAKE MY OWN traditions. I also find this hard as I’m married to someone who is neither pagan nor seems to think much of making a big deal of holidays. I have discussed with him the importance for me to start doing these things, and I even started telling myself I would simply take each of my holidays off of work and celebrate it my own way. But….like life itself, nothing ever said is as easy to do. At any rate, I’ve uncovered some things inside that I think are at the core of me preventing myself from instituting these changes in my life: my own self-worth. I think there’s something inside me saying that it’s not worth it to celebrate just for me. It’s not worth going to the store and buying special ingredients for special recipes. It’s not worth working on crafts or projects that no one but me cares about and that will someday be dust anyway. It’s not worth all the fuss, all the expense, all the time…for me to have and do the things I want. I’m not worth it.
This is, I think, the real problem. And it seems to be growing in my mind, not diminishing. Wrestling with one’s own demons is a draining endeavor. Indeed. I’m not really sure how to go about taking down this large, ancient beast living inside my psyche, but it’s clear to me on so many levels that I do need to take it down. I need to dismantle this destructive thinking. Until then, I will continue to tread water. Until then, I’m missing things, I’m missing the whole point.
Sigh. It’s a long road ahead, and all the while time ticks and ticks and ticks, taunting me with its finality.