I think I finally understand a fundamental concept that I’ve been thinking about all wrong. I’ve been performing my rituals, preparing the food and drink and meditations as if it’s all about me, and thus feeling guilty about expending unnecessary effort for only myself (which is another issue) and clueless as to where these messages have been going (probably nowhere), but now I see that that’s the absolute wrong way to think about it. I mean, yes, it’s for me and my growth also, but at the heart of the ritual, celebration and offerings is to Deity. These things are in honor and reverence for the Unseen. It’s about developing my relationship with deity and spirits. Since I don’t yet feel any affinity to specific deities or spirits (well, maybe I do and just don’t know it yet) it’s been hard to know where to channel my energy. I’ve had the synchronicity in many things, when I originally built my altar it was as if some unknowable pulse guided me hither and thither, and then other times…there’s total silence and feeling completely alone. I know why this is, but I’ve been trying to invite it back to no avail. I think I’ve been ringing the wrong numbers. It’s time to try again. And properly this time.
First, I must study. I think I’ve known this deep down but have been reluctant because my doubts about my scholastic aptitude are long-standing and considerable. Yes, I have probably fried a right good portion of brain cells with too much chemical exposure, but that’s no excuse. So what if my short-term memory is horrible? That’s what notebooks are for. I don’t need to the best memorizer, or the most poetic anybody. I simply need to do these things in earnest and with respect. I realize now that I can do this and have a normal life, too, or I should say, a sane life.
And now…..to the books. Not the internet, but books.