Introspection

That’s the name of my game lately. I’ve been doing a ton of quiet reflection and daydreaming. I read through my dream journal and found another important name to ponder: HOLMEN. My dreams are still full of subtleties that I can’t figure out yet. The journeys are half-remembered and messages are murky and unclear to me. There is one figure who seems to keep appearing, so I’m paying attention to him. He never seems to say much, or else I just can’t remember what he says. If I’m not too riddled with distracting pain tonight (another story) I may use my dream oil, but if I go to bed as exhausted and icky as I feel right now, I will leave that work for another night. I’ve been trying to take a tiny step back from so much work and I’ll wean back into it once my exhaustion lessens a bit.

I have to say I’m finding much guidance from Christopher Penczak’s perspective, methodically speaking. I know the WOFG just kind of dissed him on her site as being a “trendy” writer or whatever, but I have to disagree on the level that I do believe some people ARE meant to work across bounds. I think his calling is teaching general practices and Reiki healing, and that he does his best to give you an overview, and gives exercises that are meant for the reader to find their OWN way, discover their own inner guidance. He is certainly no expert in Traditional Witchcraft, and any fool can see they’d have to dig deep to find true, ancient teachings regarding the like, but I think with him it’s more teaching neopagan-type methods for finding your own way. For so many (myself included), the ancient ways are kind of like an alien planet, and that this IS a new world we live in where some of the old ways might not work for us. I don’t think he ever claims to be the be-all-end-all authority in anything, and so, like everything in life, we can read and learn by absorbing what helps us. Teaching spiritual techniques is simply presenting concepts and methods that may not all work or speak to everyone, but that you can glean things through the writings for yourself and the aspects that ring true to you. I firmly believe that we each experience these spiritual things in different ways, just as we experience the human existence in different ways, and so it’s impossible for any one person to be an “expert”. One can only write about their experience in something. We can take what we want or need from it, all while keeping it in perspective and not tied to our egos. I think the EGO is a detriment to arguments in regards to many things, most things actually, but especially spirituality.

When I experience things, it feels much more serious and intense than I could ever explain on paper. To write some of it out sounds like nut-ball fodder for a therapist’s wet dream. But anyone who’s had those unexplainable experiences knows. This is why I think it is wise to keep silent about a lot of stuff, except in one’s journals or trusted allies. When I discuss some of this stuff with my Hubby, who is agnostic through and through, he patiently listens and is supportive, but I can tell how it sounds to him as it comes out. It sounds fucking crazy. But there are times when he knows, too. Like when we’ve literally shared dreams–when his mom was sick, there were I think two times that we each had the exact same dream the same night and in describing them to each other were creeped out by how small details seemed carbon copies of the other. He’s also been present when I’ve received what I can only assume is some sort of dual consciousness experiences when I’ve been awake and aware in my present body and situation, but also “seeing” through other eyes when violent acts were happening. It’s quite disturbing for me, and was even more so for him as I sat and described what was happening! I think the difference between “crazy” and not is knowing yourself well enough to know when you’re treading in another realm, and taking it as such and not confusing this reality for another. I guess that’s the way I see it, anyway. But I’m neither an experienced, spiritual leader nor a licensed psychotherapist. I just tell it the way I see it, or rather, experience it.

One could also speculate that since each of our paths is likely quite different from the next, that the way in which gods or spirits communicate could likely also be different through each of us. To one, the voice may be clear and commanding, to another, quiet and far away. I think to say with too much certainty how something “should” or “does” work is walking into dogmatic territory. Certain requests may be made of a person via their allies and godforms, but that may not be the case for others. Words may not be involved whatsoever. Communication is a mutable thing…I can sometimes more clearly read someone’s body language than I can understand what they’re speaking about, especially if they’re rambling about topics that are clearly over my head, intellectually speaking, but I can get a grasp of it through other means. I had the honor of meeting a man through my job who was hearing and speech impaired, and because he was a very old man from India, he never learned any kind of standardized sign language, but he had created his own form of it that was incredibly interesting and unique. He and his wife, who was also his interpreter, would communicate via various simple touches of his hands and fingers and grunting sounds that he could make. It was astonishingly subtle, and to watch it, you would never pick up on the specifics, but obviously his wife who was intimately involved with him and familiar with his experiences, could interpret quite easily. And yet, as we sat there, I could start to see in his face the expressions, and the memories that crossed his eyes, and though I wouldn’t know exactly what the story may have been without his interpreter, I could glean a broad sense of what he was saying, I could almost sense the landscape he was thinking about. It would have been interesting to see him communicating without the interpreter to see how well the mood and memories came across.

Some people I absolutely cannot read, and I’ve deduced that it may be because these people have many secrets that they hide. I rarely trust these people, and yet I’ve often found myself deeply disturbed by pity for them as I sense a lot of inner pain within them. Other times, it’s rage that I sense and though I pity that maybe even above pain, I try to stay away. One man that leaps to mind is an old principal from the (dreaded) investment firm I worked in. He was disquietingly hard to discern, and in getting to know him over the years I found out some of sources of pain and obligation that plagued him, but he was a rageful and fearful man that I absolutely did not trust. It was an interesting lesson for me, working with him. That whole work experience taught me an enormous amount of things about people, health, and myself. It was a dreadful 5 years of constant suicidal thoughts and intense physical struggles, but it was an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. It opened my eyes in a way that the spiritual world did, so that I may never close them again.

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