Antsy

I’ve been downright antsy lately. I don’t know if it’s something I should be concerned with, just my pending period coming or some precursor to a big unknowable something. I can barely sit still, my habit of scratching at my skin has worsened, things at work are unsettled and awful. Keeping focus has been next to impossible, and my stress-breathlessness is so aggravating all I want to do is sleep so I don’t have to think about it. Work has left me utterly physically and mentally exhausted this week, so I haven’t put pressure on myself to do anything spiritual. I had started Ariel’s fire body again and was good with certain parts and lousy with others, and now I can tell my body is trying to tell me to slow down again. This happened once before when I was trying to build up the skills, I got horribly sick and was down on my ass for a week. Now, it’s like the spark of desire for anything has flickered out.

Lately I try to log in to write, my thoughts seemingly ready to pop onto the page clearly, but when I type, it doesn’t come out right. I’ve got other posts sitting in my drafts queue because I just cannot seem to articulate. I get all off track, all befuddled. I get worried that I’m getting Alzeimer’s or something, too much brain drain from the 80s maybe? I’m hoping this will sort itself out. My dreams are still quite active and I’ve been journaling what I can recall. A couple of times I’ve dreamt of the same, strange man. He’s dark, and tall, and I didn’t get a name but he seems commanding and important in the dreams. In one of the dreams, one of my co-workers (Ruth, of all people!) was giving him an angioplasty right at the dinner table that we were all sitting around. He reminds me of Mandy Pantinkin. Also, there’s one story line in my dreams that will come around sometimes (like the dream-smoker me) and in this series of dreams, I’ve given away a bunch of clothes that I regret. In every one of the dreams, I fret for the old clothes and keep hunting for them, as if I’ve misplaced them. It’s almost like I’m not sure if the clothes were given away or I simply left them in another dreams’ closet…it’s very weird, it’s like I travel from dream to dream or something, and like an alternate timeline, I’ll somehow stumble upon the clothes again. I’m not into shopping or clothes at all, so I’m not really sure what the whole thing even means. I have to say, though, that the clothes I’m looking for are really cool. Like, not at all my style, but the style I wish was me.

The sky outside today is neat. It’s cloudy, but there are dark, grey areas at the horizon against bright, white cloud cover lit from above by bright sun. It’s chilly still, and all the rain and snow lately has made everything super green. I can’t wait to see more than just buds on the trees. My poor seedlings keep getting eaten by little Vesta! We went out and finally bought some edging for the balcony to hopefully keep her from wanting to jump. She freaks me out because we’re on the fourth floor and she gets unpredictable and jumpy out there! By summer, she’ll settle in and just put her face in the plants, sit with Mandolin the garden gnome, and sleep in the hot sun all day. But in the spring! She just can’t be trusted out there. Plus, we’ve got hawks and eagles flying overhead all the time these days, we’d best not leave her out there for one of those big birds!

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