(Started this on April 6th)
Wow. Today was unexpectedly good, magically speaking. I finally, FINALLY felt like shit clicked. I came home, meditated with the kitten sleeping on my chest, then drifted in and out of consciousness until I found myself in an odd sort of fantasy. Since my sensual self is so often hiding from battered old wounds, I decided to really concentrate on holding onto the fantasy until Hubby came home and I could share the passion with him (which I did!) It was wonderful, quick and bloody since I’ve got my ‘dot’, but great. I showered as he reheated some yummy Indian food from the previous night, and we ate and watched a bit of MadMen together. The Twins game was on early, so he took over the TV and since I had committed myself to, once again, starting Ariel’s exercises I retired to the bedroom for more work. Without planning it out, it all came together beautifully. I consecrated every one of my tools, including my BOS, tarot deck and a protection charm. It went well, although a bit awkward with my sage smudge as I’m clumsy with fire (always I’m having issues with heat and fire…). But I said every word out loud, and I was able to concentrate better today than in a long while. I wrote and read aloud an intention slip with my intention of finishing Christopher Penczak’s first book and exercises, addressed it to The Universe, as I’ve still no names associated with any Deity, and felt a bit of niggling as I did it. I mean, I’m writing it down. Addressing it to The Universe. So it means I’d better damn well keep my word. But I’ve got to start somewhere, and the more I internalize, the more I realize my desires to know myself and my path continually grow. I guess it all seems a bit “witch schooly” in some ways, but what the fuck, I need it. Everybody has to start with the basics. I need something to keep me going and I need to have structure. Reading endless posts about people’s personal gnoses isn’t getting me anywhere but further from my own.
The WOFG had a recent post about nature, though, that also spurred something inside me that I feel is even more important. It made me think about my relationship with nature. Now I am a city girl through and through, and I make NO BONES about the fact that to go into the wilds scares the living daylights out of me. Even natural bodies of water terrify me, and I was a competitive swimmer for many years and I still swim all the time. But get me into a lake….I have had suffocating panic at the feeling of this natural force surrounding me. I don’t know if it’s that I feel the power so strongly, or simply that wild nature is so utterly foreign to me. Probably the latter. My idea of camping is renting a cabin. I have IBS and that alone should give you some idea of why I demand a bathroom and sanitary water, for one thing. My mom raised me and my sister by herself, the only time she ever took vacation time was to get things done around the house when we were in school. I think we went on two, short vacations and that was for some specific purpose, not really to get away. I was never exposed to nature beyond urban living. I was a city tomboy, yes, I climbed trees and was kind of a badass (according to my dad, I once pistol whipped some kid with a water gun for trying to mess with me). I used to root around in grubby things, play in dirt and try to imagine the things living in muddy waters and stuff. The thing is, I actually think wild places should remain so, undisturbed. Urban places are best built up (if they must be built any more..grumble..) rather than out, and rather than all the urban folks expanding the urban sprawl. I feel pretty good about the fact that my 1100 square foot condo is taking up way less space than many peoples homes. I feel good that I’m not snatching up lakefront property to spoil any more lakes with septic systems and development. People are here, and part of this eco-system, whether some like it or loathe it.
I am keenly aware of my fear of the natural world. And this is one place I’d like to expand and grow, to get to know nature more intimately. The other day, I was walking and for the first time, I started to really sense something in the trees. It felt…angry, or something…but different than human anger. Far be it for me to assign human emotions onto non-human beings, but that’s the only way I can explain it. Maybe it was just an intense vibration. It was cool, but a bit unnerving. It’s like hearing something writhing in the night, but not knowing what it is. I’ve been concentrating on Earth Walking, feeling the earth living beneath my feet, feeling its breath enter me through the soles of my feet and course through me with earth light. It’s been cool, but it is something I must do with great concentration. This is good for me…I need greater concentration.