It’s Saturday, glorious, wonderful, blissful Saturday. I’m up a bit early (Vesta as a galloping alarm clock helped), having tea and soy, feeling grateful for my safety here in landlocked MN and a sprinkling of overnight snow and sending prayers for those in worse situations today (Japan, Hawaii). I used my Dream Oil last night, and though I only recalled bits here and there, I remember clearly that I dreamt of a man who was arranging “dates” with The Furies. People would come to him, tell him their inner desires (not sexual desires, mind, desires in the heart of hearts) and he would arrange for them to experience a time with one of the Furies based on what lessons he felt were needed. I do not remember what the man looked like, or a name. I remember very little, but I do remember the sense of a stalking presence descending over the house where this all took place. Hopefully I’ll get more of wisps throughout the day. I know a little about The Furies, but I think I’ll read up a bit more and see what meaning I can glean from this strange snippet of a dream. There was also a lot of clean-up going on, and I was helping to clean up spilled cakes and trying not to get my fingerprints in the frosting.
One of the problems I’ve been struggling with lately is how I hear things versus how I express things. I can hear something, and understand it quite well, but when I go to relay it to someone, it comes out sounding like absolute gibberish. And conversely, there are times I’m completely blanked out mentally when someone is telling me something, and yet I can form some sort of sentence from a hidden thought that is pulled from gods-know-where. And I feel that the person that I am inside is completely different, more refined, kind and graceful, than the person I am on the outside. It’s kind of stymied me as I want to be genuine, I don’t want to be misrepresented or misunderstood. But I don’t really know how to merge the two faces of the Self. I also think that there may be some kind of necessity with that which is protective in nature. That I’m protecting the Graceful Self from the ravages outside…and that makes sense, I guess. We all protect the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. And we all wear many masks. Maybe it’s ok to only remove my mask when I’m alone, or inside. Still, I’d like to be a better person on the exterior, and I don’t know how to do that.
I’m still living for the moment and not pushing Jedi School right now. I have been collecting a bunch of things for my BOS and filling it with wonderful, helpful articles and how-to’s for when the time is right. I’ve started to question motives again: for what business do I really have in delving into other realms? I feel like there should be some important purpose rather than to just sniff around. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing these things out of a desire to be spooky, or even powerful (and I resist that urge at every turn because I believe the desire for power is probably the quickest road to corruption that there is) and even for learning: what do I desire to learn, and WHY. Why do I want this information? For myself, my personal growth, or a desire for power or control? I really think on this stuff, I feel like we can be led so easily into the arms of our own destruction based on clumsy, ill-thought out desires. So I’m trying to see in the long run, what will these things bring me? More responsibility? Will it bring me more than I am equipped to handle? With every path created, there’s the dirt and debris from the making. I guess I feel it’s just important to take the debris into account before plunging into the paving.
Since we’re coming up on Spring soon, and the light should increase to make mornings much easier to be awake for, it’s a spring/summer goal to start writing more again. I am not going to admonish myself for not keeping up as well in winter because I think sleeping, dreaming, and snuggling with my Love are just as (if not more) important than writing. I do think writing is talking and listening to the Universe, but so is silence. Silence can be even more communicative, and I’m happy to have finally appreciated that. That said, I do enjoy writing and feel it’s a very important part of me and my growth. I write better when the world and condo are silent and sleeping. The thoughts seem to come from a less rational and more emotional place when things are still. The hour of the dawn is the best time for me, so I look forward to spring mornings as the sun starts to wake earlier. Of course, it does mean that I must retire earlier, so I need to start gradually making bedtime a few minutes earlier each night.