My Way

While I love to look at other people’s blogs, photos of their writing, crafts, accomplishments, I’ve realized that I need to spend more time writing for me than reading about everyone else. I find myself kind of melancholy when I look at what everyone else is doing and how well they’re doing it. I ‘m trying to be diligent here, get myself pulled together and out of my funk. I want to LIKE doing things again. I want to feel good about my projects again. I want to feel worthwhile again. I feel broken, and it’s nobody’s responsibility but mine to fix me again. It’s just hard to know where to start.

I have been very productive despite all my moaning, however. Not all that I’ve done lately has worked out (like my homemade ginger ale which was a bummer), but mostly I’ve felt pretty good about everything. It still feels like I’m going through the motions at this point, though, I’m not quite flowing easily in the stream, I’m still sort of bumbling around with the boat and running into things. But….among the things I’ve been working on are: home brewed beer (!!!!), cardamom soul cakes, 4 Thieves Vinegar, an ab-fab dill and garlic vinegar that made the most delicious pair with steamed carrots (I mixed a little of the dill vinegar with some honey, and butter, then salt & peppered the carrots, OMGS they were WONDERFUL!!), I’ve twice made a homemade chai concentrate for chai lattes that turned out great both times, a couple of batches of my adapted granola recipe from my Grandma (the best cereal ever!), pasta with homemade meatballs, and last night I started a couple of sewing projects: one just a simple plastic bag holder made from an old hand towel, and the other, my very first attempt at a Stuffy Monster! It’s the super-cutest thing, and I can’t wait to work on it more this weekend. Hmmm, I guess I am on the mend…I’m actually excited about it!

I had intended to start the Fire Body again in earnest, but so far have done things from my will list, but none of the meditative stuff! Argh. I need to start making that my priority. I’m going to keep working on that until I’m fully ready to move onto the Water Body. I’m trying to not be in such a hurry with all of this, but I grow impatient with myself. I think that’s it: I get impatient with myself, with my perceived lack of success with a project, instead of simply with the project itself. I need to just stick with things, see them through, not give up.

Well, it’s almost time for Hubby to get up, so I might go snuggle him. That’s another area that needs some serious work and TLC. I’m not quite sure how to fix that part of me. My intimate self feels irreparable to me right now. My dreams are still dark. I will try to make my next post about my dreams of late, one with an interesting kind of mythical creature I’ve never seen.

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