Things have been a bit tough lately, and I’ve not blogged here or anywhere in a while. The hardest aspect of depression to handle is the sneaky way in which it can creep into your psyche and lay a thousand eggs. I feel I do a fairly good job, usually, of keeping it at bay. But this time, despite all my tricks and efforts, it slunk in through some vulnerable, tiny hole, and it grew. At any rate, I’ve made a commitment to myself to start writing and dancing regularly again. It’s funny how even though I’ve been keeping up with other exercises, there’s something about my dance and weight workout that is very important for my physical, mental and spiritual health. And writing…I may not be the best writer on the planet, but I am a writer. I go through periods where I have nothing to write, sure, but above all: I can’t NOT write. It’s just what I do. And cheap therapy, I might add 🙂
In the midst of this melancholy, it’s brought out long buried ghosts. Fears and experience scars from long ago have returned to my daily life, and I feel like I haven’t been dealing with them well at all. I won’t go into all of that right now, but I feel these themes have been strongly reflected in my dreams. The most notable, a white spider. I won’t go into the details about these dreams right now (since I’d have to go look them up since I’m too groggy to recall them now), but I’ve had at least three dreams that have featured a white spider. In one dream, the spider was not only white, but made of porcelain. It had crawled onto my back, and I was afraid of it and had someone in the dream get it off of me. I wanted it off of me, but I also didn’t want it to break. I was ashamed of my fear of it in the dream, and also when I awoke. When I read this interesting perspective on spider totem below, it starts to weave a message to me. Very curious. I found it at this site.
“Spider is the weaver connecting the knowledge of the past with the possibilities of the future. Notice that the shape of the body loosely resembles the sign for infinity. Also notice that the center of the web is always small (you), and the web ever expanding (your possibilities). Spider cautions us not to get locked into the illusion that has made you what you think you are. Our behavior, and our belief systems, and our view of ourselves is locked into an illusion of who we truly are that was created for us by others; usually starting as a small child. As we grow, our life becomes a reflection of those illusions, and those of us who do not follow that pattern are “rebels” or “black sheep” or other terms that imply non-conformity. We are locked into that illusion because it has become our “comfort zone”, and it is our fears of the unknown and untested which keep us in that zone. It is far easier to live in the hell we know, than to stick our mental and emotional toes out into the world and chance discovering that there is another way which may be better for us. Spider is telling us that the possibilities for each of us is only limited by our own view of ourselves. Notice that the web constantly grows, outward, still connected to that small center space. It is always reaching, always expanding, never satisfied with the status quo. When something of value get caught in the web, it is taken back to that small center and utilized; never wasted. It may be stored for later use, but it is never wasted. The next time you come upon spider weaving its web, stop to really look. Notice the beauty and symmetry and balance; the careful and intricate design. Spider is telling you to have the courage to reach out and create your own tomorrows; to break out of the illusion that has you locked in a time-step, and discover who and what you truly are.”
For a longer and really cool blog post about Spider from a UK witch, Mother Damnable Returns, that I just discovered, check this out. I think I may have to do some art dedicated to White Spider, and also her web. I find that in making art dedicated to my totems or other spiritual themes, that it helps me in my search. Brings me closer to my inner Self.