Off The Track

These past, I don’t know…awhile it has been, I’ve fallen off course a bit. I am probably the farthest thing from Type A as you can get, and things like work, social engagements and my inexperience with serious energy work are very draining for me. Also, our little furbaby Boo Boo Kitty, 16, was dying and we knew the time was coming soon. The stress of fretting for her took up every last bit of “spare” energy I had for a long time. She has now left this physical realm, and though I am mourning the loss, it has been a weight lifted purely in terms of condo cleanup and fretting for her all the time. We’re trying to adjust to life without our Boo, and so is our other little one, Vesta. Things are quiet, but we’re getting by. Her death was significant in another way, too: she was the first kitty we got together as a couple. She was a kitten, and we raised her as we built our life together as young adults. Not only did we lose our little babe, but we feel a bit like it signifies the end of an era. Our young adulthood is past us now, and we’re making our way into middle-life. Pondering all of this and its meaning to me, I feel more sure than ever about walking this spiritual path. I feel like I just may be mature enough to venture forth 🙂

Every Witch I’ve known has started their journey in their teens. I suppose it’s the whole lure of the teen Witch thing, which is by no means a bad thing, though there are those for whom it is merely a fleeting phase, like so much else in life. Teenage-dom is where we start identifying ourselves, and I think a pagan path can be a very positive experience for teens. Teens can jump into things fool-heartedly (and by fool, I mean the very brazen, wonderful, innocence), and through that they learn, they gain wisdom because they don’t fear to try things. They can use that period of growth and self-discovery to lead them into adulthood, hopefully bringing forth greater wisdom. Others seem to end up stunted in their growth, clinging to that teenage, oft-short-sighted mindset, and having gained little essence of inner self-discovery. I did not take the Teen Witch path, and though my sister is a Witch and started her journey in her teens, she had “her thing” and I had “my thing”. We lived relatively separate lives for many years, and though we have a strong bond now, we did not always. I knew she was powerful, and though I’ve always had a fleeting interest in the Occult (and had awareness of my own power though didn’t care to learn about it), her journey simply didn’t interest me at that time. I was intensely angry and reckless during those formative years, and my path was quite different from hers. As she was building up, I was tearing down.

I feel a bit envious of this period of spiritual growth that I missed out on. Well, I won’t say I missed out on it because my learning was intense and very important. I learned how to survive some hard things, and for that, I am grateful. Those lessons….I’m not sure they can be learned any other way. But spiritually, I was dead for a long, long time. And physically, I was sick for at least as long. I feel this path has awakened something inside me that has never before bloomed. It’s scary, and joyous. I know there are still shadows lingering that I must learn to deal with, and this is where I still feel a large boulder obstructing my road. However, in reading and meditating and pondering, I’m on my way. Though I feel healthier than those days, I do feel my age creeping, ever creeping. I feel a push to get my shit together before time in this consciousness ticks on too far.

Friday night I had what I call an “important dream”. Unfortunately, I can’t recall most of it, but one neat part that stayed with me was an image of myself with my mouth unnaturally wide open (like a wooden puppet), and bright, white light pouring forth. I believe there was a voice speaking to me, or perhaps through me, but I do not remember what it was saying, or if it “felt” masculine or feminine, or if it was the voice of the Divine as I have heard before. As I relayed this to my husband and wondered aloud what it could mean, I had a couple of ideas:

I am releasing my power irresponsibly, letting it slip through my lips too easily, and/or the power inside me is present and growing and I need only to release it, trusting myself to take necessary chances in learning.

I reckon the answer lies withing both of these ideas. The need for caution mixed it the need for trying things out. Sigh. It’s always the gray parts we mortals get, never the black or the white.

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