Darkness has washed over me in a frighteningly easy brushstroke. I was having a good week off and yesterday it all came crashing down. My life just doesn’t feel like it is mine. Like I’m beholden to all sorts of things outside of me, but not beholden to me. I berate myself for playing these mental games because there are things we are all responsible to, whether we choose them or not. This darkness makes me want to find a cave and disappear with no people. Not even me.

Then there’s this dichotomous thing going on, a terror of losing myself, losing my life as I know it, and losing my health to death. I have some strange marks on my breasts that seem to come and go, and I need to get it checked out, and I’m absolutely terrified about even going in. When you haven’t faced these types of health threats, it’s hard to fathom why a person would put off an appointment for early diagnosis, but because I have faced these things, I know exactly why people do not want to go in. To not know is to not know. It’s no more complicated than that. So, I do not want to go in and hear the worst, or worse than that (and something I’ve heard far too much) is being told, “We don’t know, so let’s keep you in a guinea pig state of testing for 6 weeks and then maybe, or maybe not, then we will have a diagnosis. And then that diagnosis might be totally nebulous at best and the treatments are as bad as having the disease, and you might survive or you might not or you might just have to manage this really sucky thing for the rest of your life.” In fact, I would say in all of my doctor dealings and health issues across the span of my life, they go exactly like this. It all leads to one conclusion: no one knows shit, and you eventually succumb to death.

So, on this beautiful Saturday when I should be enjoying the pleasant weather and be out being beautiful and sunny and fucking happy, I’m here feeling like shit like I always seem to on sunny days.



I’m totally buggin’. I’ve noticed my body buzzing. It’s like this strange vibrational thing that is increasing in intensity that I’m noticing more and more. Currently, I feel it mostly in my nether parts (eek) which freaks me out for two reasons. One, what if this is some physical malady I should be worried about, and two, what if this is what they are talking about in the Word books about the people who read/listen to the books feeling buzzing in their bodies. Eek. Eek eek eeeeeeek.

So, I must admit the whole channeled book thing really freaks me out. In the interest of having an open mind, I began listening to the books. It freaked me out, but I went with it, and I began to trust. Each new book, I freaked out a little more, but then seemed to adjust to it, and went on to the next book. At one point, I decided they were getting too freaky and thought I would simply listen without repeating the intentions. Then after re-listening to them, I said all the intentions. Each time I said the intentions, I understood them more and more, and what I am agreeing to, and feeling it more as an agreement rather than as some mysterious concept that I can’t understand. I started to process everything as I went along. My dreams were freakin’ crazy for awhile, and I knew I was learning and being taught in dreams, and I didn’t bother trying to journal them because they were so bizarre that I knew no words for what I was experiencing in the dreams. Then I got to one of the most current books, maybe it’s the 4th or 5th one, I’m not sure, but they reveal more of what they are, and I’m not even kidding, I yanked the headphones out of my ears and tossed my iPhone away from me. I was terrified. What the fuck was I doing saying all these intentions without knowing what entity is coming through this dude? Why did I trust it? What is it? What are they??? But I decided to trust the feeling of calmness and love that was growing inside, and I began listening again. And then I listened to each of them again, in turn. And each time I say the words, I feel more and more that I am aligning with some higher weirdness. I feel like a brand new person. Even though I’m still me and I still know that the “old” me is here, but so is this new strangeness growing within, and I trust it. I know it is LOVE.

So all these weird serendipitous things started happening, and then soon after, this buzzing. It was just once in awhile before, but now, it’s increased so much that I feel it all the time. I feel it especially at night when I lay in bed, and as I lay down, I smell this very sweet scent and I feel someone or something stroking my hair. Now today I’ve been feeling the buzzing all day. Part of my mind wants to assume it’s some strange physical symptom, and the part of me that remembers the terror of the possibility of cancer wants to make an appointment for a full body scan. And this other part of me that is starting to grok this whole thing, and so many strange pieces are being snapped into place…that part of me knows something.

So today while swimming I tried to re-enter a dream I had a long time ago. I may have blogged about it here, but it was one of those intensely terrifying and visceral dreams with Robin Artisson, the author. There were a lot of weird parts of the dream, but the most freaky was when I walked out onto this long, long dock into a dark body of water under a night sky. My hands started to become electrified or something and when I looked down at them, they had holes all over and it seemed that I could see the cosmos through them, and they looked like star maps. My hands felt like fire. And all the while, I can hear this absolutely frightening voice calling itself “Master” and saying all sorts of shit that was scary as anything. As I looked into the night sky, I could see the same star maps that were in my hands, and they were just golden bright and beautiful, and this voice is going on and on about something that I could not recall. I just knew pure terror.

This dream is very curious to me, because I know somewhat about this entity called “Master” from studying some of Robin’s work, and Sarah Lawless and Peter Paddon and others in the Traditional Witchcraft vein. But they mention this “Master” in the Word books, and they explain it as an aspect of the self that is a master. Like you would say, “Master Jedi” or whatever…it’s when we become a master of our selves. That is to say, we come to know who and what we truly are. And that is a level of mastery. Maybe not the top, right, but like…another level. In Traditional Witchcraft, the “Master” would be considered the entity that kind of became the Christian devil, and that is how he, or it, is described…the hooved feet, the trickery, the scariness. Sometimes I think that Master is revealed as the Crossroads spirit, or what is sometimes called The Black Man at the Crossroads, or the Opener of the Way.

As I was trying to re-enter the weird cosmic hands dream, out of the blue, I instead recalled a dream I had had about the Baron Samedi. He is an interesting and famous character (Google him, and you’ll recognize his likeness straight away) whose lore is fairly specific. I would have to revisit that dream journal to find out the specifics of the dream, but I found it intriguing that while trying to enter this one dream, the Baron pops into my head. He is all about death and sex and crassness, which upon further thought actually seems a perfect match for me, haha. Anyway….a lot to chew on. I gotta go try to find that dream entry!


This morning, as I sang my morning prayers to so many teachers and allies, as each verse wove into the next, I felt my consciousness shift and could feel myself as three. I could sense my physical self in the position I sat in, a second self that came to mind as the animus, or masculine counterpart to my feminine, sitting in the lotus position with hands held together as in prayer and eyes closed; and a third self which came to mind as the “higher” or etheric body as it sat in the lotus position with hands on knees and fingers in the mudra of creation. As I sang, this strange feeling increased and I seemed to be able to explore it a bit when I thought of “entering” the field. I felt like a being with six arms, three heads, three hearts. It was quite intriguing. When Kelly-Ann did my Energetic Shadow Map in 2013, she met my animus sitting in this position, and as she put it, he was in a “sleeping” or “inactive” state. It is thought that a person needs to awaken and unite their anima/animus in order to be “married” or blended with their soul’s counterpart and become whole. I feel like this is akin to “Waking the Dragon”, or “Rising Kundalini”, or “Waking the Fates”, or at least in part. Waking the dragon, kundalini and the fates refers to a specific action where you open the root chakra and the primal energy that lies dormant in that energy center rises like a (indeed, AS a) serpent through all the energy centers in the body and unites with the crown chakra and creates an intense awakening (often seen as an eagle.) So I’m not sure if awakening the anima/animus is exactly the same thing, but I do think that the anima/animus are considered primal energies that unite with the Self to awaken the spiritual self as a whole being. The anima/animus is part of Carl Jung’s psychological model. Awakening Kundalini is said to be extremely painful, the pain manifesting as long-term, sometimes debilitating back pain. Waking the Dragon is another method of awakening dormant power that can cause insanity for the person not ready for such an awakening, and is said that either you ride the dragon, or the dragon rides you. Waking the Fates is described as when a person’s personal fates (the Norse believed that each person had personal and familial fates assigned to them) were sleeping, it creates a life of misfortune, and a person must wake them up in order to be fully present and living the soul’s purpose. These descriptions seem to refer to slightly different actions, and yet, in some ways, they are different ways to experience similar actions of spiritual awakening.

After listening to the latest book in the I Am The Word series (The Book of Truth) for the third time, again trying to comprehend its at once simple and also mind-bending meanings, I was out shopping for an out-of-print book for a class I’m taking, I came across two other books that jumped right out at me. One, by the well-respected teacher Malidoma Somé, I snatched up right away not even bothering to read what it was about as it was pretty well-stated by the title, “Ritual.” I’ve heard him on Christina Pratt’s podcast and he has the most fascinating life experience and knowledge. The other book, which was sort of hidden in the corner behind some other books, jumped out at me because of the name “The Order of Melchizedek”, and I had one of those moments where time seems to stop and I’m swimming in this strange non-time place of wonder. I took the book down and read the back and was stupefied by this uncanny find. Melchizedek is the “name” (or rather, the title) of the authors of the Word books. In the Word books, they say they are a collective, many consciousnesses of ascended masters who come together to teach. In the first book, there are three of them. In the subsequent books, there are more of them. In the most recent book, they say there are nine of them. So, I knew I had to buy the book. So, I happened to know that the name Melchizedek was from the bible; I have studied the bible a little bit, but not much, so after the name came up in the Word books, (they mention it specifically in the third book, I think) I looked up the name and had done some digging into his significance in the bible, but also into the meaning of the name. Names in mythology are actually titles. There is much, for lack of a better word, superstition about names, knowing and speaking true names, and so the beings of power use titles. As I understand it, hearing the true name of god comes at one’s death. But I also think it has to do with diminishment of power: to repeat a name diminishes it power. Ever hear the phrase, “That’s my name, don’t wear it out”…I think this is where that comes from, and I do see the use of a thing too frivolously as wearing it out. As they say in the Word books, our true name(s) is I AM, or I AM WORD. I have known about the whole I AM concept for quite some time, but I’m not sure I totally groked the whole thing until I came across these books. They explain that the divine self is called I AM and  WORD, I AM WORD is the name for god in action. So to say, “Word, I AM Word” is to bring oneself into alignment with the vibration or octave of the divine ONE, the source consciousness from which we all come. It took me a long time to understand the concept of oneness, and how one main conscious being can become many consciousnesses, but now that I have, it’s interesting to me that I ever saw things in any other way.

I had a strange download as I said prayers to the East not too long ago where I felt Óðinn enter my head, and he imparted to me that the meaning behind his names/titles “High”, “Just As High” and “Third” (a few of his hundreds of titles) actually refer to the triangle that can be drawn from the shoulders to the head that form the alchemical symbol for  fire and are created by connecting Huginn, Muninn (his two ravens that sit on his shoulders) and Hliðskjálf (the Third Eye). These three things work together to help reveal to ourselves our perception as spiritual beings. Huginn being The Thought, the ability to think, perceive, and take in information from a neutral stance. Muninn being The Memory, the DNA memory of our physical bodies which carries specific information within us but also the capacity for our spiritual selves to access the DNA of everything from all time by entering the “cosmic soup” (which I see as a river of blood when I journey) and allows the meaning we gather from The Memory to be applied to The Thought. The Third Eye is, of course, the place where we can see, or understand or KNOW, everything from a completely spiritual perspective. This triangle, then, creates the “Fire in the Head” or the “The Fire From Within”. (These are also titles of two great books: the first by Tom Cowan, the second by Carlos Castaneda.) This fire, which I refer to as “spirit fire” or the “internal sun” is an important part of our waking up to our true selves and purpose.

So anyway, back to Melchizedek…as I was at my teacher’s house for class last week, his gal-pal was telling me about this incredible healing she had done by a practitioner that she’s worked with before. She sent me her information, and upon researching her site, I was flabbergasted at the offerings she has, and also that again, that name, Melchizedek, came up. So, anyway, all the signposts are pointing me in this strange direction of ascension. The first author to turn me onto ascension magic was Christopher Penczak, and the whole idea really freaked me out at the time. Ok, well, I’m still freaking out about it, but am more intrigued than afraid now. Although, I woke the other night from a dream in terror, sure that beings were coming down from space to retrieve me and put crystals in my body and return me to a life where I could no longer function as I had and that I would go insane. So….yeah. The fear is still quite there.

I once had a visceral mediation or dream where I was being taught by this woman who lived in space. She brought me to her ship, and showed me where earth was in relation to her home in space, which was millions of galaxies away from earth. I was shocked by this teaching, and yet it was kind, and real. She imparted to me that she would be teaching me again someday, but not for awhile. She wanted to introduce herself and allow me to process her existence and the realization of where she comes from. I had another visceral experience in dreamtime where I was a galaxy myself, and I was dying and I was going to die before my “children” (smaller galaxies) but also that because time did not exist in this place, I would also witness the death of my “children” and the terror I felt was more powerful than any terror I have ever felt. Even in my workings with the Dark Mother, Panther, Puma and Bear that were all about mastering terror…nothing compared to the terror I experienced in this strange galaxy dream. It also brings up that idea of paradox yet again. I’ve been trying to recall my dreams regarding paradox and also about breaking rules of physics that we deem to be hard and fast rules of this realm but are actually not…they are only agreements that we all agree are real, but because this reality can be morphed as long as we don’t become weighted down by “rules”, we can actually do and change an enormous amount of unimaginable things should we uproot our attachments to fear. As I ponder the idea of fear, I realize how much fear yet grips me. In every way, fear is still so present in my core.



I have begun to build my relationship with nature again, spending time meditating, walking and singing to the earth and critters. This has strengthened my shamanic prayer practice  immensely, and I have felt so much more grounded since committing to this. I also began to take walks down to the bridge again to visit the eagles that I often see as they hunt. I’ve taken to singing my eagle song to them with astonishing results. My Huginn & Muninn both gave me songs to invoke them, and though the songs are very similar, they are specific. The first time I decided to sing the song to an eagle in the mortal world, I was amazed! I began singing, focusing my mind to the mind of the spirit of Eagle and to the actual eagles I could see sitting in a large burr oak tree (another ally of mine) that they favor along the river bank. Suddenly they leapt from their perch and flew right to me, and I increased the intensity of the song, and they came within a few feet of my head! While I do believe in signs, I also know that common encounters can be just that: common. I try not to get hung up on it either way, just reveling in wonder and joy when encounters do happen, and not worrying if they don’t. So I have been doing this more frequently to see the results, and only once did the eagles not come. Every other time I sang to them, they came, and they came right at me. Once, I did not even see them at all, but began singing in the hopes that I would see them. Suddenly, a mating pair were doing their dance and calls directly above me and when I looked up, I thought they might crash into me they were so close! Another time, I was on another bank of the river, and I saw three eagles that I presumed must be different eagles than the ones I see everyday, and I began singing. And they came. They all circled right above me and started singing their characteristic eagle chirps. It was beautiful!


Being & Doing

I seem to be straddling this place between “being” and “doing”. On the one hand, my practice is about being an active participant in life, creating things that I want to see in my world, and cultivating and sustaining the relationships I have, including those with nature, spirits, and deities. On the other hand, it seems like there is this still point where I need to actively NOT feel the need to DO anything, that I need to be in tune to my deep consciousness and that in doing so, that is where profound changes happen to not just soul, but to the earthly landscape itself. It’s been a dance, and I still struggle with that feeling that I’m not doing enough in my practice because I have no clear idea of what to work on. I’m also concerned about how I’m integrating things into my life, psyche, and practice. In listening to Christina Pratt’s podcast about Integrating Shamanic Peak Experiences, I’m concerned about my effectiveness at integration. I know it when it’s been done properly because I feel the difference, but since I have no real guidance from my human teachers on this particular topic (or not that I can recall) I’m not sure I’ve completed this portion of the work in each instance, and where it has not happened, what can I do about it. I’m still listening to the podcast for tips on how to integrate, but this is the trick: I think some of what she’s talking about is a KNOWING from spirit on what is the next step, and that usually would be deciphered by the shamanic practitioner doing the journey for you, or your teacher in working with you personally, or by the individual but they would then have to be able to read that TRUST and KNOWING already. If that makes any sense. So for beginners who may be struggling to hear or trust their intuition, it may be quite difficult for them to understand what it is to DO with the information given.

For instance, all of my journeys to the Great Reindeer included pieces of ancestral information that built upon the previous journey, and as I encountered the Reindeer, I was introduced to a village of Sami people and noadde (Sami shaman) who would then take me into a sauna tent in order to teach me things. In these journeys, I kept seeing my mother’s father seated next to the noadde, and each time, I would just KNOW that I was supposed to do work in ordinary reality on his (my grandpa’s) behalf. Each journey, I would understand a little more information, even if it wasn’t obvious to me until some time later (within a few days or weeks.) So after several of these journeys, I was then initiated by the Reindeer, the village and the noadde into another level of spiritual wisdom, or whatever, and that was recognized by ceremonies and gifts given to me in that world. In the final journey, the noadde showed me my grandfather as a boy, and the noadde imparted to me that I needed to “call him in” at that age because the ancestral trauma that he inherited was significantly dumped on him as a young boy, and there seemed to also be personal trauma that he endured at that time. In order to heal that part of my lineage, I needed to call him in a final time (I had already called him in several times to release some of his grief) as a boy this time, and when I finally did that, I could see his spirit as a boy, I released the grief that boy had acquired and when I felt the grief lifting, I saw my grandpa’s spirit appear to me as a man, and a look of great relief and gratitude, and a lightness about him, and he smiled at me and said, “Thank you”. And after that, I knew the work “felt” done. See how subtle it all is? The thing is, though, this work is tricky, and I had done this all based solely on what I was compelled to do by spirit. That’s not a bad thing, and in some cases I think it’s good just to jump in and give it a try, but there are some pretty significant dangers to the living in doing this work, and it should be done properly so that the living do not become sick. This is when I stopped ancestor work and I am learning methods to do this work with more precaution by wisdom from the living on these matters.

(A small tangent…)
I had a healing done by a couple of trainees of my shamanic teacher, and they told me of some ancestral “sticky black stuff” that was draped over me by an ancestor who stood at my head during the healing. They sensed it was a masculine ancestor, and that this was not a malevolent act, but rather that it seemed to be residue (from what I assume comes from the work I did with my grandpa) and that their spirit helpers could only eat away some of the residue, and that I was supposed to actively work on the rest of it, that it is work that I MUST DO. Also, they sensed the blockage in my neck, that has been present for quite some time, and they worked on releasing this tension. I think I’ve blogged of this before, because in staving, Kabbalistic systems, and Traditional Witchcraft, the neck is an area of primal energies (and is the physical location of the pituitary gland/reptilian brain) and is a difficult area in terms of energies as well as initiatory learning. I have done a lot of work in this area in terms of spiritual encounters (this is where you can let the ancestors “into” you, and is where Jötenheim (land of giant/primal/chaotic energies) resides. In the Kabbalistic map, it is called Daath, and is a place of great struggle. Because of the work I’ve done, and likely not being thorough in asking for proper protection or asking spiritual guardians to stand at this gateway, I assume this is the reason (at least partially) for blockage in terms of energy flow in this area.

Anyway, I have been mulling this idea over in relation to the past few journeys I’ve had within the framework of my past year’s training (of which I have to keep most details private) in journeys to Cerridwen and the Cailleach that I’ve been pondering how to integrate the information I received. What does it all mean? In those journeys (which were dismemberment journeys) am I supposed to DO anything with them, other than understand that I have been dismantled again in order to be put together differently? In these journeys, it seemed more like a passive kind of “allowance” to be dismembered, and I didn’t seem to get that nagging feeling that something needed to be DONE in ordinary reality. But what if I was supposed to do something, but just didn’t understand what? I suppose the answer to that would be, “journey again and ask”. This is where I think private work with a practitioner helps, but when I’ve done this with my current teachers, they don’t seem to give information on how to integrate this, or what is to be done next. This seems to be the single most important reason a practitioner would do a journey for someone, and so I guess I’m a little discouraged by that. But I also see this as test of my own trust. And when I really look at the situation, I already have a lot of skills in this area, and I can’t always go crying to teacher. I think this was largely what the initiation with the Reindeer was all about; that I have come into and must accept my own power.


Too Heavy

So for a few years, my Mjölnir (Thor’s hammer) charm has not wanted to stay around my neck. This disturbed me as I have worked with Thor as a protector and began to get very paranoid about not having his implement on my person,  but I also know when something repeatedly keeps happening, it is wise to pay attention. I finally, FINALLY, realized that his protection is not like personal protection. I cannot wear his implement because part of Thor’s mystery (as I understand it) is as a protector of illusion. In other words, he keeps the illusion of consensus reality in place. He protects the mind, as well as the earth, from the obliterating nature of primal chaos, whether that be cosmic space junk or the full realization of human consciousness. He is a border, he sets parameters, and he holds those strong parameters in place and he is a conductor of energy. Most of my personal work is to dismantle this illusion, to see beyond the set parameters of the mind, to let in the chaos, to experience the Unseen. Just like Thor, I am slow to learn!

It is said in the myths that Thor cannot walk on the Bifröst because he is “too heavy”, and therefore he comes to The Thing (Norse parliament) by walking through rivers called:

“…Körmt and Örmt
and both the Kerlauger
these must Thór wade through
every day,
when he goes to give judgement
at Yggdrasil’s ash,
since the Bridge of the Æsir
is flaming with fire
the sacred waters glow.”
(The Prose Edda, S. Sturluson, pp. 43-44).

The Bifröst, the Rainbow Bridge, which means Shivering Voice, is a pathway from Midgard (Mannaheim: Man-home) to the Unseen realms.


Quite awhile ago I purchased a flying ointment from a reputable witch/herbalist/ethnobotonist/professional chef. I have only used it a couple of times in ritual, and I am considering using it again. My intention was to use it every full moon, but it has not happened. I was reading in her newsletter that her current belladonna medicine salves are used for some of the pain and inflammation that I’ve been dealing with, so I may also try to use it in a medicinal context. The trouble with that is that one of the side effects is dilated pupils! It would be pretty conspicuous to walk around like that all day. It also made me kind of agitated and it was very difficult to get to sleep, and I certainly don’t need any assistance with insomnia. I have a retreat coming up next week, and I may just pack the belladonna and see what my teacher thinks about its use in my journeys, etc. I was admonished by my other teacher when I had used my dream oil during one of our journeys, and I had actually just used it as a quickie lotion since I was out of regular lotion, and I love the smell of it, but when I mentioned that I had applied it before I came, she said, “Well, it’s important to tell your teacher when you’re going to use something like that” or some such. I guess I didn’t think it was a big deal because my dream oils contain mostly just kitchen herbs and nothing poisonous or psychotropic. At any rate, it’s on my altar getting old and probably should be used up. I worry a bit about having a poisonous substance in the house that is pretty inconspicuously labeled, but since my niece is now a teenager and never comes over anymore, there is probably little need to worry. I used to keep it in the medicine cabinet, but thought someone may think it’s lip balm or something innocuous, so I moved it to my altar. I’m interested to use it now that I am a more experienced journeyer, and see if it may help me get over this hump of feeling like my journeys are not as visceral as they once were. I may also purchase some of Sarah’s other ointments to see how they do with both pain and soul-flight.